


Beneath the Stains of Time

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Drug Addiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-08
Updated: 2012-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:35:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3506801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This takes place many years after Dethklok is over and they have all gone their separate ways.  It’s mostly Toki and Skwisgaar, the others are barely mentioned.<br/>*I did the jumping around thing again*<br/>This skips around, and between their perspectives. The “current” time jumps are linear (but still skip parts) but the past ones are random.  Jumps have strings of ***** between them.<br/>Warning: Contains (unimportant) het, and also drugs</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beneath the Stains of Time

_What have I become, my Swedish friend?_  
_Everyone I know goes away in the end_

 

Skwisgaar wasn’t sure why he even gave the bum a second glance. This was a bad part of town to be lost in, but he’d taken a wrong turn somewhere. He’d planned to grab the first cab he saw but there had been none, it seemed that nobody wanted to come here and nobody here could afford to leave. He’d retrace his steps, but he’d taken too many random turns now to remember how. There was nothing to do but walk then, he’d get somewhere else eventually.

He’d gotten plenty of looks, but his height was intimidating and so far no one had actually harassed him. Dressed simply as he was in a white t-shirt and jeans he probably didn’t look rich enough to rob, and they didn’t recognize him. Nobody did anymore, unless he wanted them too. Over the years he’d learned not to draw attention. Just another guy, nothing to see here.

Prostitutes, but not pretty ones, were scattered around despite the early hour. Although he still admired all women, these unwashed junkie hookers didn’t tempt him at all. And they _were_ junkies, he was certain of that, it burned in their feverish stares. Hobos and bums loitered in doorways, or slept in alleys, or even right out on the cracked sidewalk. He stepped over the ones in his path, barely registering them.

Until that one. Skwisgaar stopped a few paces further and turned around. Just another bum, dressed in dirty khakis with one knee torn out, scuffed sneakers, and a baggy t-shirt whose original color had been lost to dirt and time. He sat propped up, legs splayed in front of him, long greasy hair hanging around his face. His exposed arms were a mess of track marks in various stages of healing, the oldest ones had been reduced to pale scars.

The hair, that was it. It had reminded him a little of Toki. Of course it wasn’t though. Even though he hadn’t seen Toki since his wedding -When was that? Ten years ago now?- his share from Dethklok was more than he could hope to spend in a lifetime. Just another bum, so why was he still standing here? But something wouldn’t let him walk away.  
Fine, he’d take a better look, see it wasn’t him, and then get out of here, he was pretty sure this neighborhood wouldn’t improve with dusk.

Approaching the man again, Skwisgaar nudged his thigh with one boot. “Heys! You dere!”  
At first he thought the guy must be asleep, but slowly he raised his head. A scruffy beard shot with grey hid most of his features, and he didn’t bother pushing his hair back, but when his gaze finally climbed all the way up at the man beside him, faded eyes went wide with surprise.  
Skwisgaar stared down at him, matching his shocked expression. “Holy shits.” It _was_ Toki, somehow it was him!

***** ***** ****** ***** ***** 

It had been less than a year after Dethklok had broken up when they all received invitations to Toki’s wedding. They had gone their separate ways, but still kept in touch. Probably more out of long habit than anything else, when you’re used to talking to people regularly you miss it if you don’t. None of them had met Clarissa before, but had see photos of them together in magazines.  
The wedding was at Toki’s new house. 

It was a mansion, more accurately. He wouldn’t say how much he’d paid, but Skwisgaar had estimated it had to have cost him at least fifty million. No big deal, that was practically pocket change to them, they were still among the richest men in the world. It was a very nice house, modern, with a huge yard and a large pool. People were everywhere, and the open bar was fully stocked.

They hadn’t been all together like this since the last days, and it was good to see everybody. Even Charles had turned up, looking somewhat silly but comfortable in his Hawaiian shirt and shorts.  
Toki had been a bit drunk, but it was his wedding day and he was celebrating. He wasn’t to the puking and taking a nap point, so he was fine. “Comes on, you’s gots to meet Kissa!”  
Toki, who had picked a woman whose name he couldn’t pronounce, had nicknamed her Kissa. She seemed okay with it.

Skwisgaar didn’t like her, though he couldn’t quite say why. He thought she might just be marrying him for his money, even though he’d overheard Toki telling Charles he’d used the pre-nup they’d all been given a copy of.  
Toki seemed really happy though, so hopefully it would all work out fine for him. Skwisgaar had no intention of ever getting married himself, he just didn’t see any point to it, but if that’s what Toki wanted...

It was a casual poolside wedding, Toki had never liked wearing suits very much. In fact he’d changed into blue board shorts and cuffs and a collar that surely couldn’t have been left over from his time as a stripper, but if they weren’t, looked identical. He stood shirtless facing his bride who wore only a tiny white bikini, a lacy garter, and some small roses in her hair. The guests were mostly strangers to Skwisgaar, although he recognized some from movies or tv. And the press, he knew a lot of them.

It was a quick ceremony, with Toki’s attention span they had expected nothing less. After a rather sloppy kiss they turned to the audience smiling. Everyone clapped, because that’s what you do at weddings for some reason. Customs or whatever, he really had no idea.  
Photographers kept snapping pictures, they’d be in all the papers and magazines.  
At least there was no rice throwing.

Clarissa unpinned the roses from her hair and a group of women clustered excitedly. She motioned them near the pool, then threw the flowers. She had a pretty good arm, they sailed over the outstretched hands and landed in the middle of the pool. Shrieking, the women dove after them, their fighting making the water churn like the greatest shark attack ever, except no blood.  
One woman grabbed the flowers, and three others dunked her while trying to pry them away. This was pretty entertaining.

Once a disheveled victor had finally emerged from the pool and the others had also made their way out, surprisingly with no fatalities, Toki turned to his new wife. He went to one knee, placed her leg on his thigh and grabbed the garter in his teeth. Real classy there, Toki. He slid it slowly down and off, then stood and held it above his head. A group of guys, including at least one photographer, clustered at the edge of the pool. Murderface hesitated, then joined them. Toki shot the garter like a rubber band, and the mob of pushing and shoving men followed it into the pool.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

“Skwisgaar?” Toki wasn’t sure if what he was seeing was real. But if he was hallucinating Skwisgaar, why would he look like this? The clothes, the hair, everything was different. It _couldn’t_ be. But as far as he was aware he hadn’t hallucinated before.  
The man squatted down beside him. “Toki, what did you does to youself?” He had so much he wanted to ask, but not here on the street like this. “You gots a place? Let’s be goings to you’s place, ja?”  
He looked (sort of) like Skwisgaar and sounded like Skwisgaar... When the man rose and extended a hand, Toki took it.

Toki didn’t really remember the walk home, he was still pretty out of it from his last dose, but his feet knew the way. Once there, Toki went straight to the sagging couch and collapsed on it. He didn’t know what his guest would do and he didn’t really care. There wasn’t much to steal, so far he’d been good about not keeping extra cash around and his possessions were all crap. If someone was desperate enough to steal that crap they were welcome to it. He could buy more. He passed out.

Skwisgaar looked around the tiny apartment, it was pretty crappy. It was mostly one room, with a partial wall dividing the tiny kitchen and an actual door leading to a small bathroom. Toki was out, so he felt free to poke around. The fridge was empty, unless you counted an apple that didn’t look safe to eat and some mostly empty condiment bottles. Yuck.  
There was no bed, it seemed that Toki slept on the couch.

Further searching revealed the drugs, but he didn’t flush them away. He had to know how bad it was first, just quitting could be dangerous if Toki was in too deep. And from the look of his arms, he probably was. There was a single chair in the room by a small scarred table, but Skwisgaar ignored it. Toki should sleep for a while, he would go out and get some food He’d passed a grocery store of some sort (all the signs were in Spanish, but there were pictures of food on them) not too far from here. “Pfft, Mexicans food libraries.” Skwisgaar closed the door quietly behind him.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

The divorce had made the news, but hadn’t been a big surprise to Skwisgaar. Toki and Clarissa had been in the magazines a lot, and even though the text was all lies, the photos were real. Toki was clearly drinking way too much again, and there was no one to stop him this time. The rumors had been flying for years but he hadn’t believed them until Toki had gotten arrested.  
Domestic violence? _Toki_?

But what did Toki really know about life? He’d gone from poverty straight to Dethklok fame, he’d never even been on his own. Without Klokateers around to help him and his bandmates to watch over him, he’d been lost. A boy who’d never really had the opportunity to grow up, that’s all he really was. He could acquire a nice house and a pretty wife, but he didn’t know how to handle either. So being Toki, he just drank more.

Toki sat in the cell, they’d thrown him in a private one at least. How had everything fallen apart so fast? He hadn’t meant to hit her, he truly hadn’t. When he’d thrown the lamp at the wall, too much alcohol had fucked up his aim. He just wanted to scare her a little so she’d get off his back about everything, stop the fucking _bitching_ , he never wanted to hurt her! He was sobering up pretty fast in this cell though, and that didn’t seem to be a very good thing at all.

The way she’d fallen... it had all come back. That stupid curse he hadn’t thought about in years, everything that Toki loves dies.  
She wasn’t dead though and she wasn’t going to die. Was that twisted proof that he didn’t even really love her anymore? She could be an annoying bitch sometimes (okay, _most_ of the time), but wasn’t that normal?  
He’d called 911 himself, knowing what his fate would be but wanting to hep her anyway. It was an accident!

She’d divorced him before he even got out of jail, and he’d only gotten a few months. Due to Charles’ excellent pre-nup, she didn’t get very much more than she’d entered the marriage with.  
Although he’d originally really wanted kids, Toki was now glad it had never happened. He’d suspected she’d still been taking the pill the whole time they’d been “trying” anyway, and that turned out to be the right decision.  
His sweet Kissa... she’d never forgive him.  
That _bitch_.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

There was a banging at the door, startling Skwisgaar. “Tommy! He’s here!”  
“Okays!” Toki yelled in response, getting up.  
Skwisgaar cocked an eyebrow. “Tommy?”  
“I don’ts use my reals name here. Ands the landlords guy don’ts care who you’s are as long as you pays the rents.”  
Well at least that explained how Toki had basically disappeared.

“So what lasts name ams you usings?”  
“You don’ts even wants to know. Look, I gots to go...”  
His dealer was here, time to buy more drugs, yes Skwisgaar knew. “Alrights, but comes back afters?”  
“Yeah, okays.” Toki hurried out, and Skwisgaar moved to the couch to wait. Toki didn’t have a guitar or even a tv, so waiting was pretty boring.

Less than fifteen minuted later, Toki was back. He locked the door and crossed the small room, clearly trying to hide what he carried.  
Skwisgaar sighed. “Toki, I already knows. You doesn’t has to be hidings t’ings from me. Can you waits a little longer t’ough, so we’s can talks?”  
Toki considered, then placed his purchases on the scarred table. Skwisgaar was relieved to note the bag of fresh needles, at least he was taking _some_ precautions.

Toki sat on the couch, finally really studying Skwisgaar. He looked so different! It had been years since he’d seen any of his old bandmates, in his mind they were still frozen in time as they had been then. The hair was the biggest difference, but it changed everything. Short and brushed back in a style that was eerily similar to how Charles used to wear his, with some grey in it that the blond hid except up close like this. And a shirt with sleeves. And no sign of the old studded belt or skull buckle. He was still thin though, and those eyes were the same as always.

Skwisgaar had been studying him right back, up close he noticed things he’d missed. Despite his appearance, Toki didn’t stink. The clothes were purposely stained rather than actually filthy, a disguise of sorts. His hair was indeed greasy, but otherwise he seemed to be fairly clean. That was a good sign.  
“How dids you finds me?”  
“I didn’ts. I jus’ gets lost and practicallies steps ons you. Barely even recognizes you anyways, alls dirtsy an’ wit’ dat beard. It ams good to sees you t’ough, I was wondersing what ams happens to yous.”

“You’s seen anybodies else?”  
“Ja, nots often t’ough. I seens dem all a couples years ago at Murderface’s wedding, but I don’t think I’s seen dem since.”  
“Moiderface gots marrieds?”  
“Ja, he wanteds to be invitsing you, but nobodies coulds finds you. De rest of us never marries, in case you ams wondersing.”  
Toki nodded, “I was.”

They sat in silence for a moment, then Skwisgaar gave in to curiousity. “You never dids tells me what name you ams using.”  
“You’s just gonna makes funs of me if I tells. I’s not good at thinkings up stuff and I mades it up fasts.”  
“So what ams it? Tommy somest’ing?” He didn’t promise not to make fun of him.  
Toki shrugged and grinned apologetically. “Thomas Wargelf.”  
That was actually kind of flattering, but Skwisgaar laughed anyway.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

Thomas had been his groundskeeper, a really cool guy. Of course once Toki sold his mansion he no longer needed a groundskeeper, but it was the first name that popped into his head when he was filling out the rental agreement. The last name had stumped him, and he had used part of Skwisgaar’s on impulse.  
They didn’t want to accept his application without any form of ID, but money talks and Toki got his apartment.

It was very modest by his standards, only two bedrooms. He’d let Kissa have all the furniture (after all, she’d picked it out), so he bought new things. Nothing too fancy, just basic stuff.  
After the last several years of being in the media spotlight, he just wanted to avoid it. Funny, he used to complain about not being on the news _enough_. It got tiring though, the press hiding in your bushes and always invading your life. And they always printed only the worst stuff. He’d been an embarrassment to her, he realized that now.

Although Toki has slowed down on his drinking for a while, he soon was right back where he’d been.  
But alcohol just wasn’t enough anymore, it’s welcoming numbness had been lost through the years of overuse. He _needed_ that numbness, needed to distract himself from what he had become. Maybe what he had been all along?  
No band, no wife....  
No future?

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

“I wents to de food libraries while you was asleeps, you thinks you can eats somest’ing?”  
“Nots rights now?” Toki was getting shaky, and couldn’t help repeatedly glancing at the things on the table.  
Skwisgaar sighed. “Does what you has to be doesing den.”  
Toki jumped up, grabbed his stuff, and disappeared into the bathroom. He shut the door behind him.

He came out soon after, and straight back to the couch. It was getting late now, and Skwisgaar had decided that he needed to stay the night. “Toki? Does you has blankets or somest’ing I can be sleepsing on?”  
“Oh. The couches is a beds, I just don’ts bother. I has sheets.” Toki stood, fumbling the bed open. “They shoulds be cleans enough, I never sleeps on them.”  
Sharing a sofa bed was a lot better than sleeping on the floor. “You wants to eats now?”  
Toki waved the offer away. “In the mornings, okays?” He crawled onto the bed and sprawled out.

Not knowing what else to do, Skwisgaar grabbed a pack of peanut butter crackers for his own dinner and ate them. Since Toki didn’t have a microwave and the small stove looked highly questionable, he’d bought only snack food and some fruit. The poor neglected apple proved that Toki would at least occasionally eat fruit.  
He would insist in the morning, Toki had to eat _something_. The baggy shirt hid a lot, but he looked far too thin.

He considered taking a shower, but without a change of clothed there didn’t seem to be much point. “Toki? You still awakes?”  
“Yeah.”  
“You gots anudder pillows?”  
“Oh sorries.” Toki rolled, slowly pushing himself up and going to the closet. He retrieved a pillow and a blanket and tossed them on the bed. Then he stripped to his boxers and resumed his previous position.

The sight was a bit of a shock to Skwisgaar, even though he’d suspected what he’d see. Toki was way too thin, with no sign of his once legendary muscles. He was going to have to make him eat tomorrow, somehow. Maybe candy, it was far from ideal but anything he’d eat was better than nothing. Did Toki still have diabetes? Even if he did, it was probably the least of his problems.

Skwisgaar unfolded the blanket and shook it over the bed, considering his options. He still preferred to sleep naked, but that would be weird right now. And unfortunately, he wasn’t wearing underwear. He took off his shirt and boots and crawled into bed, sleeping on a bed in his jeans was still better than sleeping on the floor.  
He was surprised when Toki rolled toward him, snuggling against his side.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

“Skwisgaar, cans I sleeps with you?”  
Skwisgaar opened his eyes to see Toki hovering anxiously beside his bed. “Ja, okays.”  
Toki climbed in quickly, wearing only old pajama pants. He didn’t seem to care that Skwisgaar was naked, if he even noticed. He crawled into the offered embrace, pressing close and holding tight. Skwisgaar closed his arms around him, it had been a long day.

Although they’d been tossing the idea around for many months, it didn’t still feel real. Dethklok was over. Within a month, they would all be going their separate ways, after all these years. Of course they would keep in touch, but it wouldn’t be the same.  
But their time was now passing, and as others had said before, it was better to burn out than fade away. Their final album was set to hit the stores at the same time as the news of their breakup. Chaos was expected.

Paperwork was being drawn, homes were being found and purchased... it all seemed to be moving way too fast.  
Skwisgaar was glad Toki had come to him, he kind of needed the company too but would never have asked, that just wasn’t how he worked. But he didn’t have to act tough for Toki, because Toki didn’t care. It was okay to return his embrace and soak up the comforting companionship while he still could. To hold on to the world that they all had just turned upside down.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

When Skwisgaar woke up, Toki was already awake but still pressed against him.  
On second thought, his relaxed manner indicated he’d already been up and into his stash, but had come back to bed. Despite that, he seemed reasonably alert. He even smelled freshly showered, which meant that Skwisgaar had slept a hell of a lot better than he’d expected to. He stretched, twisting in Toki’s grasp but not trying to break free.  
“Well good mornings. I ams awakes now.”

“Dids you ever goes to the museum?”  
It was a random question, but Skwisgaar didn’t mind. Toki had probably been waiting for him to wake up so he could ask stuff. “Ja, last years actuallies. Dey stopped near mine house, so I goes outs of de curiousities.”  
“Tells me abouts it?”  
“Pfft, it ams overrateds. De people runnings it, dey don’t knows us at all, gots it alls wrong. Murderface’s room was pretties close but dat’s abouts it. You should sees what dey does to you’s, it ams terribles.

“I wants to know, tells me.”  
“Okays... it lookeds like a liddle kid’s room, de sheets hads clowns an’ balloons on dem an’ dere was stuffs animals all overs de place. Nots even kinds of cool ones, jus’ lame ones. An’ dey’s got really stupids models too, de ones you did was way betters.  
“Wowee, that’s messed up! How abouts you’s room?”  
“Nots much to gets wrong dere, but dey still manages to somehows.”

“I’s seen it on tv a once, but nots very much. I remembers the hood guys was all wrongs and just looks stupids.”  
“Oh ja! De lady ones wears de high heels even. When I was dere, one of dem gets de needle heel caughts in a crack in de floors, falls down. Maybe she, you knows, hamburger times, I didn’ts stay to finds out.”  
“Hamburger times! I hasn’t heards that in years!” Toki snuggled closer, content to stay where he was.

Skwisgaar was thinking, and he had come up with an idea. “Toki? Woulds you come homes wit’ me?” He couldn’t just leave him here, not with knowing his situation.  
But Toki shook his head. “Noes.”  
“Why nots?”  
“I’s real messed up, and that’s not you’s problems.”  
“I coulds be helpings you?”  
“Noes. You would hates me real quick, and I don’ts wants that. Because I woulds fucks up, no matters what.”

Skwisgaar pulled back enough to look Toki in the eyes. “I’s always hateds you, Toki.” His smile was bittersweet.  
Toki laughed softly, remembering. “I knows, Skwisgaar, I knows.”  
“Comes be stayings wit’ me?”  
“Fucks. Okays, but I warneds you. You knows a guy? I needs a guy.”  
“I t’inks we can be findings a guy, for nows.”

“I don’ts want people seeings me, I’s fuckings sick of that shits.”  
“Mine house ams privates. Buts Toki, you has to try to be quitsing, you knows dat, right? You ams goings to kills youself if you keeps dis up.”  
“Don’ts really care.” He saw Skwisgaar’s expression. “Fines, I tries. But you’s goings to hates me _so_ bads.” It would be strange, leaving this life he’d grown accustomed to.  
Not that it was much of a life.

Skwisgaar had missed his flight home of course, but they couldn’t fly anyway, not with what Toki would be carrying. Oh well, they’d rent a car, if only they could get to a rental place. “If we can ever be findsing a fucksing taxis, we could leaves today. I walks an’ walks yesterdays an’ never sees one.”  
Toki shrugged, he just bought about a weeks supply, so now was as good a time as any. “I knows where to gets them. You lives close?”  
“No, but we will gets dere.”

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

Clarissa pulled him aside, hissing in his ear, “Toki, stop it! You’re embarrassing me!”  
“I’s just hasing funs! I’s a really cool guys, you knows!”  
“No, Toki, you’re not. Everyone’s staring at you, you’re acting like a spoiled child.” She threw her hands up in frustration. “We’re going to be in the papers again.”

“We’s always in the papers, so whats?” Toki finished the bottle he was drinking from and threw it on the floor, smashing it. Glass flew everywhere, and those standing nearby scrambled to avoid the shards. A server quickly arrived with a broom and started cleaning up again.  
“Can we please just go home now?” So far he hadn’t puked on anyone that night, but it was only a matter of time.  
“Noes, I’s havings a real goods time! Nots my fault you’s borings.” He wove off to get more booze.

Toki hadn’t played in over a year, but he still got invited to all the good parties. Well, maybe not as many as he used to be... there _did_ seem to be less of them, but maybe people were just throwing less parties? It was all pointless anyway, all they ever did was sit at home or go to parties, all the time. It was better when he was drunk, so that’s how he stayed. Kissa was always complaining about it, he was tired of her bitching.

So what if he made messes? They had people for that. Everybody had people for that.  
So what if they were in the papers? He was used to it, and sometimes the headlines were pretty funny. _She_ never laughed at them though.  
So what if he drank too much? What _she_ called too much anyway.  
On his way outside, Toki threw up on an expensive potted palm and took a nap.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

Toki had laughed at his choice in rental cars. Actually there hadn’t been much to choose from, and at least he hadn’t gotten the minivan.  
“So you gots a licence now?”  
“Ja, I gets it a longs time ago. I has two of dem actuallies, in mine name an’ in a fakes one for whens I don’t wants people knowings me.”  
“They don’ts recognize you anyways?” Even though he barely had.  
Skwisgaar shrugged. “Every nows an’ den, but I just tells dem ‘I gets dat a lot, but no, sorries’ and dey believes me.”

They’d been on the road for two days now. Since Toki had very few possessions and Skwisgaar had none (it was supposed to have been a day trip), packing had been simple. They’d stayed the previous night at a cheap motel, and had been eating only fast food.  
Toki had barely said a word the day before, thinking too much or whatever, but was more alert now. Still high, Skwisgaar felt weird about letting him shoot up in fast food bathrooms, but what else could he do? He couldn’t begin quitting until they got home, that was going to be a hell that a road trip couldn’t handle.

He was eating at least, although not enough. Skwisgaar had felt really stupid ordering those Happy Meals, but if that’s what Toki would eat, that’s what he got. The toys were lined up on the dash, staring at them.  
They were both wearing clean t-shirts from one of the gas stations they’d stopped at, since Skwisgaar didn’t have any with him and all of Toki’s stuff made him look like a bum. The beard added to that effect, but for now it was a good thing, the two of the together were much more likely to be recognized than either of them separately.

“Skwisgaar? You gots a goilfriend at you’s house?”  
“You knows dat I don’ts does de relationships. I can still gets ladies whenever I wants, but I guess I has slows down over de years, a lots of de time I jus’ don’ts care anymores. But nobody ams livings wit’ me, if dat’s what you means.”  
Toki nodded, that was indeed what he’d meant. He didn’t want to mess up Skwisgaar’s life any more than he knew he was already going to. He’d never even tried to quit, he’d heard enough horror stories to prevent that, but he knew what he was in for and it wasn’t going to be pretty.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

Sure he’d done a couple lines or some pills when offered at parties, but Toki had always been primarily a drinker. That was what made him feel better, or even not feel at all. He still drank mostly vodka, he’d tried all kinds of stuff but that was just what he liked best.  
All alone is his new apartment with everything he’d had gone, alcohol was his only friend. He briefly considered trying to contact some of his old bandmates but he was embarrassed to face them, of course they all would have been following the story.  
He just wanted to disappear.

Toki mostly just stayed home, people still recognized him. Of course they did, he’d been a regular in the tabloids for years, he regretted that now. If there was still a Dethklok Minute it would have been all about him, funny how he’d wanted that once.  
It was like being an exhibit in a zoo, something for people to point and laugh at. Always on display, unable to just be one of the crowd no matter how much he wished he could.

Stuffing his hair under a hat and wearing sunglasses was as much disguise as he could manage, but he always felt they knew anyway even when they pretended not to. The Fu was gone of course, he’d finally shaved it off before he moved here. Cutting off his hair would probably help, but for some reason he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.  
The scruffy drunk in 318 that only went out after dark, that’s who he was now.

But alcohol just wasn’t working anymore, he could still feel too much no matter how much he drank. With no escape, his crushing depression only deepened. He finally realized the joke he’d become, and just how alone he actually was when there were no parties to distract him. Those people weren’t his friends, he knew that now. They probably didn’t even like him.  
He didn’t blame them, he didn’t like himself very much either. Not anymore.

Then one night at a local bar he sometimes went to, he walked in on the guy in the bathroom. He had been leaning against the sink, holding a small syringe that he was clearly about to inject.  
“Oh sorries!” Toki turned to leave, he’d just come back a little later, but the guy stopped him.  
“It’s cool, buddy, I don’t care if you watch. Hey you look like you could use a little, want some? I’m feeling generous tonight.”  
“I don’ts know... you gots any clean needles?” If so, then why the hell not? Nothing else was working for him. “What’s it does?”

The guy grinned, already pulling out more supplies including sealed needles. “It makes everything good. Makes you not care about anything, just happy.”  
“Fucks yeah I wants some then!” That sounded like everything he was looking for, if it actually worked.  
“Just a bit little now, just a taste. Give me an arm.”  
“Which one?”  
“Doesn’t matter, all the veins go to the same place.”

Toki glanced back at the door as the guy took his offered arm, not really wanting anybody to walk in and see this. He barely noticed the tiny sting of the needle, but the effect was instant and impossible to ignore. “Oh shits!” He leaned against the counter. “Fucks, I don’t feels so good.”  
“Just breathe, it’ll pass in a minute.” The guy was now injecting himself.  
The nausea faded quickly as promised, replaced by an incredible feeling of contentment. This stuff was amazing!

The guy held out a slip of paper. “Here’s my number, call me if you want more. What’s your name, buddy?”  
He almost slipped up, but caught it in time. “Tommy. What’s you’s?”  
“Well Tommy, they call me Blaine. And you can call me anytime. Now go home, okay? Don’t just sit in this bathroom all night.”  
“Okays, I calls you later then.” He waved to his new friend. Toki felt like he was almost floating, he could float all the way home.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

Skwisgaar’s house was surprisingly modest. He’d original bought a mansion, they all had, but had downgraded at some point over the years. There was a tall brick wall around the property, and an automatic gate that was flanked by matching flowerbeds.  
The flowers amused Toki. “Looks kinds of like old people lives here.”  
“Dat’s the idea, jus’ olds retireds people, not’ing to sees here. Dey t’inks I ams de gardners or somet’ing.”

Toki was given a tour of the property tour. There were three bedrooms, Skwisgaar’s was oddly reminiscent of his Mordhaus room, he even had a (surely not the same one) fur blanket. The next was a plain guest room where Toki would stay, and the last had been soundproofed to make a mini studio.  
“You still plays?”  
“Of courses, I wouldn’ts be me if I didn’ts. I does a little recordsing work sometimes too.”  
“I hasn’t playeds in years.” But maybe he could take it up again? Sometimes he missed it.

Moving on, there were two fully stocked bathrooms, a tv room, and a large kitchen with a huge fridge.  
“I gots a ladies who cooks an’ cleans, she come twice a week an’ makes stuff for me to puts in de ovens.” He opened the fridge, gesturing to the covered dishes. “See? Everyt’ing gots numbers on it for me, easies.”  
“That’s pretty cools. You can’ts cooks?”  
“You knows I cant’s cooks.”

They went through a room that was probably supposed to be a dining room, but Skwisgaar just had a small computer desk in there.  
“You’s got no table, where’s you eats at?”  
“I shows you.” They detoured back to the tv room where Skwisgaar demonstrated his hinged coffee table that adjusted to the perfect height for eating on the couch.  
Then of course Toki had to try raising and lowering it a few times.

They headed outside, the privacy wall was back there too. The yard wasn’t large, but still had room for a medium sized kidney pool and a small hot tub. A couple of wooden deck chairs were beside the pool. There were no flowerbeds back here, those were simply stage dressing and only where they could be seen from the road. A border of neatly mown grass surrounded the pool area.  
“You gots a yards guy?”  
“Ja, you’s looksing ats him.” He laughed at Toki’s shocked expression. “I tolds you dat people t’inks I’s de gardsner, it ams bedder dat ways. Besides, dere’s not dat much to cuts.”

Toki went to a chair and sat, everything was so clean and bright. It was nice. Skwisgaar joined him.  
“I needs to be taksing dat car backs, an’ you needs some clothes becauses you looks like a bums. What size you wears now anyways? You ams too skinny.”  
“I don’ts care, whatevers. But Skwisgaar, I needs to find-“  
“I knows, I knows, I will gets dat too. But you’s got to start cuttings back, startings now.”  
Toki pouted but didn’t argue. 

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

His new apartment was a complete dump, and that was putting it kindly. The location was better for him though, nobody in this part of town seemed to recognize him, or if they did, they didn’t even care.  
But this was where the dealers came, and their schedules were unpredictable. They had to be, otherwise they’d make easy targets of themselves during the ineffectual police raids. Those were rare though, it seemed even the cops knew there was nothing they could really do about this area.

The apartment on the end (next door) was empty, at some point in the past the door had been kicked down and never replaced. There was the occasional squatter there, but usually nobody at all. On his other side were some of the hookers, they usually slept all day and they ignored him when they saw him, knowing he wasn’t interested. If they knew he had money it would be a different story, but he was careful to not let anybody find that out, _especially_ not here.  
Then some old guy, an empty unit _with_ a door, and then Jack.

He wasn’t friends with Jack and he didn’t want to be, but they fell into an agreement of alerting each other when the dealer was on location. It was better that way, if Toki missed him then he had to go find some other place to buy, from someone he had no trust at all in. Either of them would usually give a soft rap on the hookers’ door too, in case they were awake and had any money.  
Beyond that, there was no interaction.

Once he got comfortable in his newfound anonymity, Toki spent more time on the streets. It was nice after having to hide for so long. Nobody knew him, nobody cared. And fortunately, nobody tried to rob him.  
He kept minimal cash on him of course, he was badly strung out but not stupid, but there were desperate people out there. But it seemed that being an established resident gave him some degree of protection, or maybe it was just luck.

If he cut through the alleys, there was a small sandwich shop not too far away. It was funny how much the area improved even just a few streets over. Toki got most of his food from there, when he bothered to eat at all. Cooking was something he’d never really gotten any good at it. He did keep some simple stuff around though, or at least when he remembered to go buy some, which was sporadic.  
But it wasn’t like he didn’t have money, he could afford to just buy sandwiches forever.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

Skwisgaar had just gone to bed when Toki showed up in his doorway. “Skwisgaar? Can I sleeps with you?”  
Spending time together had made them both feel a bit nostalgic. “Ja okays, but jus’ for tonights.” Toki had relinquished his stash earlier, and things were about to start getting rough for him. “Once you starts gettings sick I’s probably goings to locks you in de bastroom.”  
Toki climbed into bed, laying close. “You won’ts lets me gets too bad.”  
“It ams goings to be bads no matters what, dere’s no easy way outs of dat shit.”

“Sometimes I really misses the haus. You ever misses it?”  
“Ja, sometimes. It was all pretty greats and we made it a longs time, but not’ing lasts forevers.” Skwisgaar ran his hand over the too thin stomach that had once been hard and defined, it was hard to believe this was really the Toki he used to know.  
“Don’t touches me, Skwisgaar!” Toki pushed the hand away. “I don’t owes you _that_.”  
“Nots mine intention, sorries.” It really had been mere idle curiosity, nothing more.

“Fucks, sorries.” Toki sighed, and relaxed a bit. “I knows you’s not likes that, I’s just not used to beings arounds nobody anymores. I overreactsed.”  
“You hads a pretty roughs time, ja? Why didn’ts you ever calls us, any of us? We really thoughts you mights be deads even, you jus’ disappears.”  
“You’s all betters off withouts me.”  
“Pfft. Shuts up and goes to sleeps den.”

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

Clarissa was giving him the silent treatment again, which was kind of a relief. Some days she never shut the fuck up. Apparently _this time_ he’d thrown a buffet table and a few expensively dressed guests into a koi pond at a party. He didn’t remember any of that, but the food library tabloid she’d thrown at him had photos. “Wartooth Feeds the Fishes” it read, that was a good one, pretty funny stuff.  
Too bad she didn’t think so.

“You’re just a fucking drunk, and you’re ruining my life!” And there she went again. “Is that a bottle? Toki, it’s not even noon yet!”  
“It’s alls the times somewheres... whatevers.” That wasn’t quite the saying but she knew what he meant. Well, she probably could figure it out anyway.  
“You need to stop drinking so much! Are you even listening to me? You never listen to me!” She left the room, slamming the door behind her.

“Nots even noons... Skwisgaar says that before but _you’s_ not Skwisgaar.” He was talking to an empty room.  
They had a lot of pillows, he didn’t know why they had so many pillows. There were... (he had to think about it) ...seven on the bed. And another five here on the couch. And another in that chair... “I shoulds become a pillows salesguy....”  
Except who wanted that many pillows? Except Kissa, for some reason.

Life was just so _pointless_. Nobody had asked him to preform or record for a long time, and everything else they had servants for. He’d had servants in Dethklok of course, but this was just different somehow. There was nothing to do but drink, go to stupid boring parties, and listen to Kissa complain.  
She did that a lot now, pretty much all the time. Well she _did_ marry the second fastest guitarist in the world, and ended up with the drunk guy who feeds the fishes...  
He took another drink. 

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

“GIVES ME MY FUCKINGS DRUGS, SKWISGAAR!”  
“No.” Skwisgaar crossed his arms and stood his ground. “I has you on a schedules, you gets jus’ enough dat you don’ts gets too sick.  
“It’s _not_ enoughs, you’s fucksing killings me! GIVES THEN TO ME NOWS!”  
“Pfft, or whats? What ams you goings to does abouts it?” He’d been expecting this confrontation soon, and here it was.

In response, Toki tackled him.  
Or at least he tried to, but Skwisgaar grabbed him and spun him into a bear hug, long arms wrapping around to pin him tight against his chest. Toki struggled, but couldn’t break free.  
Ten years ago, even five years ago, Skwisgaar would have never been able to hold him. But now Toki was too used up, sick and shaking. He quickly wore himself out and sagged in the hold. “I hates you!”  
“I ams doesing dis for you’s own good, dildo.”

Skwisgaar carefully released Toki, who surprised him by turning and clinging to him. “But I _needs_ it...”  
“I knows, but you gots to waits it out. It will passes, I promise.” Holding him, he realized how much heat Toki was putting off, he’d been trying to keep the fever under control but sometimes it got past him. “Fucks, you’s real hot agains, you thinks you can keeps de pills down?”  
“Maybes?”  
“Let’s tries, okay? And if you t’inks you ams not goings to puke or shits real soon, maybe we should goes in de pool to helps cool you downs.”

It had been pretty bad so far, and Skwisgaar had even briefly made good of his threat to lock Toki in the bathroom (it was far easier to clean) but he was finally showing signs of life again. He’d even torn the house apart looking for his stash while Skwisgaar was out mowing the yard, but he hadn’t found it. The mess wasn’t too bad, Skwisgaar’s minimalist taste didn’t lend itself to chaos very well.  
A couple more weeks and it would all be over, he was doing this as gently as he could.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

As they passed in the hall, Small told him the pigs were out. (One of the hookers from next door, Jack had dubbed then Small, Medium, and Large due to their body types.) That was always bad, it meant the dealer might not come this week.  
Toki reversed directions, going back to his room. His lone window faced an alley, not the street, so he couldn’t see anything himself. Half the panes were cardboard anyway, and the remaining glass was filthy.

He checked his stash, taking stock. He had enough for about two more days... If the dealer didn’t come, after that he’d have to go elsewhere. If all else failed he still knew Blaine’s number, Toki had no phone but there were still a few working pay phones in the area. He didn’t like using Blaine though, he suspected the guy knew who he really was. This wasn’t something he ever wanted anybody to see in the papers.

He heard the police sirens chirp below. That was a good sign, it meant they were just trying to scare everybody, the sting operations were always silent. He’d only narrowly avoided one of those a few months back, and had been forced to spend hours hiding in a reeking dumpster as a result.  
He listened as the chirps moved on, slowly fading as they left the area.

***** ***** ****** ***** ***** 

“You’s really not fuckings the cleanings lady?” After all, she was a plump, middle aged woman, Skwisgaar should be all over that. The old Skwisgaar anyway.  
“No I ams nots, we has a professionals relationships only. After alls, what woulds I does withouts her? Starves to deads probably.”  
Toki was thinking. “I don’ts think you’s had any goils since I gots here.” He couldn’t be positive, he’d been pretty much out of it for a while.  
“No, I’s not like I useds to be.”

Toki snorted, “What, you likes guys now?”  
“Why, ams you offerings?”  
“That’s not- Whats-“ Toki saw his grin and smacked him on the arm. “Damnits Skwisgaar, don’ts does that to me!”  
“Pfft, same olds Toki.”

Toki was finally past all the worst of the withdrawals, and now mostly just weak. He was trying to get better though, swimming some every day and mostly laying around resting a lot. They were currently both lounging side by side on the deck chairs that they’d dragged into the shade.  
And Toki had finally shaved off the beard.  
“You looks so much youngers wit’outs it.”  
“I always dids.” He hadn’t even kept the Fu, it belonged to another life.

Skwisgaar got up. “I ams going to puts somet’ing in de ovens, be rights back.” He was indeed back in seconds. Preheating was a concept lost on him, so his lady had adjusted her cooking times to include it. “Okays, it says we waits an hours.”  
Toki nodded. “Heys Skwisgaar? If I tells you somethings will you promises not to makes funs of me?”  
“I never promises dat, but tells me anyways.”  
“A longs time ago...” Was he really going to confess this? “You sees.... Okay fines, I says it. I used to has a big crushes on you.”  
“Toki, we alls knew abouts dat.”

Toki sat up suddenly and faced him. “Whats?! You knews? _Everybody_ knews?”  
“Wells you was nevers very subtle.” He shrugged, “Ja, we alls knew.”  
“I’s not gays, you knows.”  
“I ams jus’ dat irresistibles.” He mimed flipping his hair back.  
“Oh fucks you, Skwisgaar!”

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

The little girl’s face was full of maggots.  
Twisting and squirming they fought in her features.  
The smell of the blood that he’d doused himself with was suddenly overwhelming.  
Rotting little girl in her metal chair, waiting for him forever.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

They were drinking, sitting in the hot tub. A small cooler was perched beside them in easy reach.  
“I guess I needs to stop takings up you’s space soon, you gots to be totallies sick of me by nows.”  
“Suprisingsly, no. De company ams kinds of nice.”  
“But I’s just a big fucks up that nobody can stands!”  
“Toki, I lived wit’ you for years. I’s seen you stinkings drunk, hidings under tables, beating annoyings fans to deads... I knows who you ams.”

That was true. And when he’d been stalking the haus with a flamethrower, covered in blood, Skwisgaar had been the only one to sort of stand up for him. And had taken care of him many times when he’d gotten really drunk... and now had nursed him through withdrawals so bad he’d wanted to die. Skwisgaar did know him.  
Even after all that, here they were drinking beers together. It was almost like old times, if he didn’t think about it too hard.

Acting on impulse, Toki scooted closer and kissed Skwisgaar full on the mouth. When it was returned, Toki shifted to straddle him, deepening the kiss.  
Skwisgaar responded, but when he pressed even closer hands came up and stopped him. “Toki, you ams drunk, dis ams as far as it goes. If you still ams wantings to mess arounds when you ams sobers, den we talks.”  
“You’s serious?”  
“Completelies.”

Toki moved to sit pressed beside him, taking his hand and interlacing their fingers. “I’s wanteds to does that for a really longs time. Even backs then, I mean.”  
“An’ now you has.”  
“Ands now I has. Can I sleeps with you tonights?”  
“As long as you amns’t pushy, I means it abouts waitsing.”  
“I can be goods!” He grinned happily, and kissed Skwisgaar again.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

Medium was dead, some john had knifed her. Toki realized he didn’t even know her name.  
He didn’t care either, but the resulting police attention had locked the supply down tight and he was going crazy trying to find more in time. He’d briefly run out once before, only for a day, but that had been a misery he didn’t want to ever repeat.  
But finally he scored, and just in time.

People roamed the streets and the halls, restless and desperate. None of them had the resources that Toki did, and they were suffering now. He wasn’t going to share though, he’d had enough trouble finding what he had.  
There was another murder, some guy Toki didn’t know at all. Again the cops prowled the streets, causing more trouble.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

“You knows I amns’t de relationships type.”  
They were naked in Skwisgaar’s bed, as had become their sleeping habit. “I’s not askings you to be.” Toki fondled Skwisgaar’s balls with a slightly evil grin. They’d been taking things very slowly, too slow for his liking. Okay, so they’d done pretty much everything but fuck by now, but he was getting impatient for that final step.

Mostly due to his addiction, he’d had no sex drive to speak of for years. It was all coming back now though. They lay in their sides, facing each other.  
Skwisgaar stroked his back, moving lower with each pass. Toki pressed against him, nuzzling his neck and enjoying the petting.  
He tensed a little when those fingers finally slid between his ass cheeks, and Skwisgaar stopped.

“Toki, don’ts lies to me, does you has any experience wit’ dis?”  
“Um, nots really?”  
“What abouts dat ‘codpiece’ you used to has?”  
“Oh that. I tires it once, but it hurteds so I never dids it agains.”  
“Pfft, you probablies dids it too fasts. Jus’ outs of curiosities, when ams de lasts time you even has sexes?”

Toki had to think about that one. His sense of time was all screwed up, but he tried to think back. “Years? Fucks me, _years_?!” He truly hadn’t realized until asked, that was an insanely long time.  
“Dats’ quites de dry spells dere, no wonder you’s so horny. But I ams not fucksing you, I can tell you’s not ready for dat.”  
Toki whined in frustration, pressing close to grind against Skwisgaar. Which was plenty fun, but just not quite good enough.

He felt Skwisgaar’s warm breath puff in his ear as he chucked. “Impatients little fuckser, amns’t you? You really wants to be doesings it tonights?”  
“Wants you so bads...”  
“Toki. Heys Toki, looks at me.” Finally he did, giving Skwisgaar a pleading look. “I ams goings to lets you tops, okay?”

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

“You’re kinda pretty. I’ll tell you what, I’ll trade you. Gimme five minuted in that alley over there and you can take this for free, whatta you say?”  
Toki had never used this dealer before, but he was completely out and couldn’t be picky. Still, he wasn’t a whore. “I think I just pays you.” Toki held out his money.  
“Well honey, if you ever don’t have the cash you know where to come.” The guy actually _winked_ as he made the trade.

Thank whoever that he had plenty of money and had never had to pay with his body. Toki knew people did that, knew that too many people did that, but he was determined to never be one of them.  
He needed to move some place cheaper, the less money he spent on stuff like rent, the safer his future would be. He was pretty sure he was close to being evicted anyway, there had been a lot of complaints.  
He didn’t need anywhere fancy, just a roof and a door. Well, and walls.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

Sometimes they slept together, sometimes they slept apart. And sometimes even together all they did was sleep. It was just so comfortable, with their shared past there was no need to pretend, they could fully be themselves.  
Toki had discovered that when you did it right, sex with a guy was pretty awesome. Either way. He’d been nervous when it was his first turn, but Skwisgaar hadn’t hurt him at all, he was just _that_ good.

The went places together sometimes, so far no one seemed to have recognized them. Skwisgaar was teaching him to drive the legal way so he could go off on his own when he wanted, and had even mentioned getting him some recording work once he’d gotten back in practice. Mostly they just kept to themselves, neither of them were very social but they did enjoy each other’s company.  
Skwisgaar got a lot of movie channels and sometimes they turned off the sound and made up the dialog, which usually ended with them curled up with helpless laughter. Horror movies were best for this.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

Toki woke up in an unfamiliar room, alone. Where the hell was he? What did he do last night? He remembered the bar, but that was all.  
He looked around, hoping for some clue. The bed he was in reeked of sex, so apparently he’d gotten laid. Too bad he couldn’t remember it.  
He got up carefully, mindful of his unsteady stomach. His clothes were strewn across the floor, he pulled them on as he came to them. He had no idea where he was, but he just wanted to get back to his apartment.

The air smelled of bacon, and the smell only got stronger as he walked down the hall. His poor stomach cramped in protest, but he kept going, the door had to be in that direction. He stopped at the end of the hall, peeking around the corner.  
She wasn’t completely hideous or anything, that was a relief. Moving as quietly as possible, he eased past the doorway and to the exit. Turning the knob slowly, he eased the door open.

The door _squeaked_ horribly, giving him away. He threw it the rest of the way open and hurried outside, the morning sun stinging his eyes.  
He heard her behind him. “Hey! Hey, I cooked breakfast for you, asshole! Where the fuck are you going?! Get back here!”  
Toki found it in him to run.

***** ***** ****** ***** *****

Toki was mowing the yard while Skwisgaar weeded the front flowerbeds. Even though he still had plenty of money, money didn’t mean a whole lot to either of them and he’d wanted to help out.  
It had been kind of funny at first, watching him wrestle with the push mower before learning how to work with the power drive, he’d clearly never used one in his life.  
He was doing well now though, working his way back and forth in quick, even lines.

Skwisgaar sat back to watch him for a minute. Toki had put some weight back on over the last few months, and while he still didn’t look like he’d used to, he no longer looked unhealthy. He even had a tan from all the swimming. Shirtless in cargo shorts and with his hair tied back, he was actually looking pretty damn good.  
This arrangement suited them both surprisingly well, probably because they had been virtually alone for so long.

Back in the old days, constantly under the media microscope... it never would have worked. But now there was no image to uphold, and no standard to conform to. His cooking and cleaning lady didn’t care at all, she simply stocked the fridge larger portions. She knew who Skwisgaar was and probably Toki too, but liked her job and the money too much to ever compromise that. Besides, Dethklok was old news these days.  
A passing elderly jogger waved, and Skwisgaar waved back like he always did.  
Toki finished the front yard and moved out of sight around the house. Skwisgaar smiled happily, and continued plucking weeds in the warm sun.  
Life was good.

 


End file.
